Becoming an Expert in Grief

Becoming an Expert in Grief: A Skill We Don’t Choose to Learn

Living with a chronic illness means facing countless losses: dreams that will never come true, projects that must be abandoned, moments that cannot unfold as planned. Over time, one may become what we might call an “expert in grief.” But what does that really mean?

It’s a difficult but valuable learning process, one that helps us better understand what grief truly represents. And it’s not as simple as it might seem.

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What Makes Grief So Challenging Isn’t the Loss Itself

When we think of grief, we often imagine situations like losing a loved one or missing an important opportunity. Yet, it’s not the loss itself that is the hardest to bear, but rather the emotions it stirs within us.

Take this example: You lose your dog, who was old and sick.

• One person might feel powerless, as if they couldn’t do anything to help.

• Another might feel anger at life or the circumstances.

• Yet another might feel deep sadness at having to say goodbye.

It’s the same loss (the dog), but the emotions are different. Now, imagine you lose something else, like:

• Your cat.

• Your job.

In both cases, the emotions might remain consistent:

• The person who felt powerless when losing their dog may feel the same powerlessness upon losing their job.

• The person who felt anger over their cat’s loss may feel anger at the injustice of losing their job.

• The person who felt sadness in one case may feel sadness in the other.

The common denominator isn’t what is lost but how one feels.

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Grief Experts Learn to Manage Their Emotions

When living with a chronic illness, you face so many losses that you begin to understand one crucial thing: it’s the emotions you need to learn to manage, not necessarily the losses themselves.

An "expert in grief" isn’t someone who no longer suffers. It’s someone who has learned to:

• Recognize their emotions: “I feel powerless,” “I am angry,” “I am sad.”

• Not run away from what they feel: We might want to avoid or ignore our emotions, but that only makes them heavier.

• Take care of their emotions: Talking to someone, writing, crying, or taking time for oneself. These actions help prevent emotions from overwhelming us.

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A Lifelong Lesson

Becoming an expert in grief means understanding that we can’t control what happens in life. But what we can control is how we welcome and process our emotions. Yes, emotions can be very uncomfortable, but they’re not here to destroy us—they teach us to better understand ourselves and move forward, even after very difficult moments.

By becoming tolerant of our emotions, we lighten their burden. We learn that sadness, anger, or powerlessness won’t last forever and that by taking care of ourselves, we can continue to move forward, even when life feels unfair.

Perhaps, in the end, the losses we endure make us more human, stronger, and capable of living with a little more compassion for ourselves and others.